These Words given by A Dad That Helped Us when I became a First-Time Parent

"I believe I was just just surviving for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the demands of fatherhood.

Yet the reality quickly became "very different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was thrust into becoming her primary caregiver as well as looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… every walk. The role of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The direct statement "You're not in a good spot. You must get support. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While the public is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a larger inability to open up between men, who still hold onto negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a display of weakness to seek help. I failed to do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - especially in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to take a respite - spending a short trip abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will help his son to better grasp the language of emotion and interpret his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma caused his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "terrible decisions" when younger to change how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Tips for Managing as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a trusted person, your partner or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the things that made you feel like you before having a baby. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, physical activity and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their journeys, the challenges, along with the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - prioritising you is the optimal method you can care for your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead offer the security and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their struggles, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I wrote, at times I believe my role is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."